You don’t have to turn into a bird at night and fly to the coven before you practice witchcraft. You are into witchery each time you bend others to your will or make them feel inadequate.🦉

How about you killed that idea that you are the only one with the answer to people’s problem and quit trying to fix others. Truth is it’s manipulative when you always want to be the sole reference point to other people’s growth/success.

Here and there, you’ll find folks that are invaluable but never will you find a fellow who is indispensable. He is therefore a fine specimen of a man who knows when to get on the pitch and play and when to watch from the sidelines.

Your friend seeks your counsel over a matter and you give her your best. She however ends up not taking it and you become offended… She gets into a relationship with someone you don’t approve. You sit her down and express your misgivings about her choice. She however tells you to trust her judgment on the matter as she knows what she is getting into. But regardless of her assurance, you stick to your gun on the matter and begin to resent her so much that it causes a strain on your friendship. Tell you what? You were never deserving of her friendship in the first place.

Trust your loved ones enough to be able to make the right decisions now and then. Love is not manipulative and neither does it lord over. Trust their judgment on matters of choice. In essence, learn to respect people’s privacy, opinions and decisions. Why cry more than the bereaved?

When a handshake goes beyond the elbow, we know it has turned to another thing. It’s good to feel concerned, to be perceptive and caring about people who are dear to us. However, it’s out of place to make them live in your shadow. Love/care for folks should engender confidence in them and not make them tied to our apron strings.

It does you no good to be overbearing. We all get to learn on the job. So cut folks some slack. A breathing space now and then will suffice.

Consider the relationship between the tire inflator and the tire. When deflated, the tire relies on the inflator to get back to shape. There is however a limit to the extent of air pumped into the tire otherwise it blows up and becomes useless. But what good is the inflator without a serviceable tire?No one is an island. We all need each other to grow.

Learn balance – don’t choke people with love, care and guidance.


A parent’s job they say is never done. But at what point in life should a child begin to make his own decisions while the parent simply play advisory roles? At what point should the parent cease to think for them? Many a child today resents their parents for their lots in life. And why is that? They forced a lot on them: what course to study…who to marry and where to marry from…what church to attend and activities to engage in…and the list is endless.

In my own clime, you hear parents say to a grown child As long as you are under my roof, you can’t attend a different church…As long as I’m your father, you can’t marry that girl. Pure manipulation. A parent has failed when his child(ren) doesn’t outgrow the dependency stage.

If I care about you, I’ll respect your opinions/choices. While I’ll do my best to play a positive role in your well-being, I won’t presume to know what’s best for you than you know.

Be a mentor, teacher, guardian, provider, trainer, leader…but not a tin god.

There is a thin line between care and control. Never cross it.

©ayansola ibukun

46 thoughts on “CARE, NOT CONTROL!

  1. This is concise. Live and let live. Simple. Some people are inherently despots and no matter how genuine your decisions or opinions are they’ll always kick against it. Their dictate should be taken without any resistance. That’s unfair conduct towards a fellow human with a brain and intuition.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Very true. Some folks are inherently manipulators. They live to see others subject to their will/pleasure. People like them end up contributing more harm than good.

      Thanks always for your genuine support and profound contributions.

      Liked by 3 people

  2. Great post! A topic that’s not discussed enough. Indeed, there’s a thin line between care and control. Sometimes, we have to make room for others to learn from their mistakes. No one will grow if one continuously make decisions for them. We can’t make decisions for others. We can only give them advice and allow them to make their choices. I love how you factored parenthood in this topic. Thank you for shedding light on this matter 👌🏿😊

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Very well said. This sums it up pretty well. Imagine what would have become of us if folks in our lives made us feel inadequate at every point in time…. We are humans because of the choice/freewill factor. Once that’s taken away, what’s left is a robot. Thank you for your ever thoughtful contributions. 🙏

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Very true! You can’t force people to do what you want them too. They have the right to choose and live there own life. Even the Lord doesn’t force us into a relationship.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Very good script. God gives people a free will so we should even learn from that and not become a controller. A controlling spirit in any relationship is a danger to love and peace

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Absolutely. I so hate the control saga. Its good to give advice but don’t make it a do or die affair.
    Allow folks around you make their decisions, yours is to offer your advice, state your concerns, pray for them etc.
    May God help us identify where we are crossing the line.

    Thanks IBK!. 🤗

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Some people are really manipulative and claim they care whereas they are controlling which can be so toxic. It’s true some go as far as resenting you, I use to have a friend like that she will always want me to do as she says under the disguise that it’s best for me and if I don’t she gets upset she keeps a distance. I was a bit naive so I did not get the message clear until I got to understand that she was manipulative she want it all played out her way, and it is a selfish act… It is a good thing to feel concerned but not controlling

    My lesson: I avoid such people because they make you feel like the bad one who has no direction

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You hit the nail on the head Pamela. The concept called ‘gaslighting’ is real – it’s witchcraft. They want to keep you on a leash in the guise of looking out for you and all. People who openly declare hostility towards you are better than they are – at least you know how to handle them. Best to flee the minute a toxic relationship is identified.

      Thanks ladyp 😉 for the elaborate/profound contribution. Thanks for reading too.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. You hit the nail on the head Pamela. The concept called ‘gaslighting’ is real – it’s witchcraft. They want to keep you on a leash in the guise of looking out for you and all. People who openly declare hostility towards you are better than them – at least you know how to handle them. Best to flee the minute a toxic relationship is identified.

    Thanks ladyp 😉 for the elaborate/profound contribution. Thanks for reading too.


  8. Wow! So much food for thought here. I especially appreciated the thought on allowing our friends room to make their own decisions without becoming resentful. So many times there is a feeling of entitlement in friendships, “I know better and have been there is listen to me.” We must allow others to make their own decisions, especially when we ourselves want freedom to do our own thing.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. “We must allpw others to make their own decisions, especially when we ourselves want freedom to do our own thing”. 👌 This sums it up pretty much. We don’t always no better than others. Regardless of our opinions, we should let others make their decisions. I do appreciate your time reading and sharing this profound thoughts.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Absolutely true! Sometimes I have to remind myself of this. Not because I’ve walked a road means I know better than the one who’s coming up behind. Sure, I have experience that can be beneficial but I don’t know it all. Whew! I’m reminded of a statement I learned last year. We are care givers, not cure givers. Blessings to you always dear brother 🙏🏽

        Liked by 1 person

  9. I agree, God gave us all unique assignments. It’s great to have ppl around that can nudge us in the “right” path. Its even better to get closer to the one that created the path. As you mentioned, not everyone truly cares, some rather manipulate a person with their words and actions. Thanks for sharing

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Great write up! I’m thankful for the people around me, I’ve never had to experience any of that. And I’ll make sure never to allow people around me experience such through me.

    Live and let live should all be our motto for life.


  11. This is one of the best writings I’ve read on parenting. When my children were small as the parent, I taught them along the way in the ways they should go then when my children grew and left my presence I then became their friend where I have allowed them to live their own life without me constantly giving advice and interfering. I’m honest in saying, I told them I’m opinionated as it comes to them and when they talk to me on specific topics they were told to tell me if they want my advice and if it’s not asked for I do not give them my opinion.I trust I taught them well,even in their falling downs,they know I am here and will never judge them for their choices or actions for I love them unconditionally. Thank you for the wonderful read,you are blessed with wisdom my friend.


    1. Wow. This is a really thoughtful/profound contribution to the post. Indeed, the parent-children relationship is a strong case in point.

      I like the way you handled the task of parenting. The ket is to train them well in the way they should go. That way, they will be able to make informed decisions at different points of their lives. As much as one can give counsels, one shouldn’t impose it on them.

      Thanks a lot for this insightful contribution.


  12. When I started reading this post I couldn’t help but scroll through the lines and wish it never really had an ending.
    This is reality…. The true picture of what goes on in the mind of friends, parents, family in a true African setting as I would say.
    I totally relate to every word because truly this is what’s on going…. Youths are losing their glow at the expense of their family. The right to life ( making decisions) has been chopped off from us. It’s like living the life our parents wished for.
    This is a manipulative sequence which is transceeding from generation to generation. And many call it the African way of upbringing. There’s need for a change. This is a disease and a mental one at that. Our parent’s mentality and that of every youth needs to be refined.
    Thanks my friend. This is apt!


    1. Wow. Your submission is a breath of fresh air and is so relevant to the essence of the write up. In many African settings, what we call care is actually subtle manipulation. People try to force their wish/will on us all in the name of counsel and guidance. Such unhealthy tendency should be put in check and resisted.

      Thanks a lot for such a profound contribution. Grateful.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s