5 MYTHS ABOUT MARRIAGE YOU SHOULD DEBUNK

Hello good people! I’ve been wanting to put this out for a while but “some forces” seemed to be hindering its release. Today, the embargo is lifted.

I’m sure we’ve heard/read all manner of things about marriage and its entailments. While some are absolutely right, others are merely cock and bull. I’ll be addressing a few of those wrongs notions in this post. Let’s get down to business…

Marriage is a must

Shouldn’t wearing your shoes to bed be a must too?

Marriage, when done as God would have it, is honorable and desirable. To cast aspersion on the institution is to make an open display of one’s ignorance of its dynamic: God’s love and relationship with His church. In the same vein, to think of marriage as a 6-unit course that one must not fail (in the Lord) is to think overboard.

“Marriage is not a must; rather, it’s a choice – albeit a noble one” .

I’m yet to find out (from the scriptures) that a believing man is cast in hell because he refuses to get married neither have I discovered an occasion where God dealt with men variably depending on their marital status. God’s primary concern for man is his spiritual well-being. The Bible didn’t reckon with anyone according to their marital status. Whether a man marries or not is secondary and inconsequential.

Such an expression as a ‘a man/woman incomplete without a spouse‘ is a big fat lie. Marriage makes no one complete. The believer is only complete in Him (Christ). He/she needs no man or woman to be whole. And that’s why I’m often bemused when I hear folks call their partners their ‘better half‘. In a godly marriage, two (separately) complete individuals come together to become one (in the flesh). The word ‘one’ simply denotes unity, harmony, and singleness of purpose, not number.

Marriage is advantageous but not a necessity.

You shouldn’t be single at so and so age

Such statement as “your mates are now married” is one reason why many have rushed into hapless relationships/marriages today. The question is: Is your name/identity ‘your mate’?

What if he is 34 and does not think like one? What if she is 30 and still isn’t emotionally and spiritually mature? When God designed the institution called marriage, he didn’t attach an age bracket for admittance into it.

All we know is that marriage is a union between a MAN and a WOMAN. Meanwhile, the last time I checked, the age requirement into MANHOOD is relative. What makes a man or woman is not necessarily the length of years but the extent of maturity. Little wonder Elihu said, “Age is no guarantee of wisdom and understanding”.

This isn’t to say that a teenager should start considering marriage or that an adult should care less about his/her relationship status. Marriage is for those who understand responsibility and are ready to take it.

Disclaimer: I haven’t said you need to attain the age bracket of Methuselah before you consider marriage. When it’s the right time, you’ll know and you should go for it.

Marriage is incomplete without children

Trouble starts when a man sees a woman (his wife) as a glorified baby-making factory; when he cares for and maintains the factory (the wife) with the sole expectation that it (she) should churn out desired products.

No one prays to be barren. In fact, God is not pleased with such a condition. Hence, He makes a woman who is in a childless home a joyful mother – Psa 113:9. However, it’s shallow to think that a marriage is incomplete without an offspring. While bearing and raising godly seed is one of the reasons for marriage, it’s not the main purpose of the institution.

What then is the essence? Companionship of course. God created Eve so Adam won’t have to be all by himself. What’s more, the woman was designed to be a helper. The foundation/survival of a marriage is shaky once it’s built on the sole need to procreate. A marriage can survive all odds, childlessness inclusive, when the pillar that holds it is genuine love and a sound understanding of the essence of marriage.

I know of a very good number of childless couples who have enjoyed a long happily married life. Do they desire children regardless? Sure. Do they however feel something is wrong with their marriage because of their predicament? No – they know better. Is God able to grant their desire no matter the length of time? Definitely – it has happened before and it’s going to happen again.

Meanwhile, just so you know, not every couple wants children in marriage. Some are just fine with fulfilling purpose with each other. It’s not a sin. Last I checked, God didn’t reckon or relate with anyone (in the scriptures) based on their reproductive status.

He/she will change in marriage.

Whoever sells this idea to you doesn’t mean well.

I have good news for you: No miracle takes place on the altar. If he/she doesn’t measure up to a well-balanced standard, don’t go the long haul with such.

WYGIWYG is the case in marriage – What You Give Is What You Get.

During the course of courting, you keep seeing warning signals yet you keep ignoring them: “I know he has temper issues and can get physical sometimes. But then, he is a nice guy and all. I believe marriage is going to change him”. How about you run for your life before your life runs from you.

He claims to be a believer but is hardly interested in spiritual activities – prayer, studying of God’s word, attending a local church… However, he has sound morals and even ‘behave better than some so-called SUs. I’ll keep praying for him; I’m sure he is going to turn around (in marriage) with time. One can only hope the best for you.

Marriage is a blank slate. It’s a virgin soil that reproduces the seed sewn therein in folds. The marriage doesn’t make the couples but the other way round. What each party brings into marriage is what the marriage amplifies. Meanwhile, most times, folks get to relax on their weaknesses once they consummate the relationship. After all, they already have what they desire – the other party.

There is a special favour you have in marriage

If that’s the case, what happens to those who didn’t marry? The favor they enjoy from God is limited compared to their married counterparts? What happens to those great men in the scriptures who were highly favored of God and yet without a marriage certificate? I bet those who hold this thought use Proverbs 18:22 as a proof of their belief.

True, it’s easier and faster to get things done when two individuals of like mind are involved than it is for a single individual. However, it’s funny to think God dishes out his goodness variably on the basis of your marital status. God gives to all men generously and graciously.


Thank you for reading!


©Ayansola Ibukun

SPRING-CLEAN THAT COMPANY 👫

A couple of days ago, I had some free time on my hands so I decided to do some ‘spring-cleaning’. I used the term spring-cleaning in a manner of speaking though. There is no such season as spring in my part of the world. By the way, I hope I’m not the only one who finds cleaning therapeutic.

Back to my spring-cleaning activity, having cleaned the room, I set out to sort my clothing and arrange them properly. In the course of sorting them, a truth dawned on me: Just as we take time to sort our clothes now and then, we can/should do the same to the relationships we keep.

Anyway, the cloths I sorted fell into different categories depending on their condition. Let’s see how each condition represents different levels of relationship…

👖Clothes that had already outlived their usefulness.

Back in the day, these set of clothes were my best outfits. However, with time, and due to wear and tear, they got obsolete and it became obvious I couldn’t wear them anymore – even to the next building on my street. Just as wear and tear happens to clothes, time and chance happens to every man. We need to understand that not all relationships we make are for all seasons. Truth is some friendships are situational hence the need to be perceptive enough to know when the purpose for it has been served and let it go.

For instance, at various points in my life, I’ve come in contact with people I didn’t know from Adam. However, early into the contact, I came to realise that those individuals actually had needs that God would want me meet and set out to meet it right away. Sometimes, it was the other way round. Meanwhile (sometimes), having met that need, we still try to continue occupying each other’s space until things start getting funny and it dawns on me that there was no point in the continued association. In fact, if I hadn’t consciously put an end to it, perhaps things would have gotten messy between us and what started as pleasant would end up being regretful.

Know when a relationship has outlived its usefulness and pull the plug on it with love.

👖Clothes in good condition but in need of adjustment.

These clothes still looks good on me. In fact, some of them still look as new as ever. I just needed to adjust them so they can fit perfectly. Interestingly, there are folks like that in our lives. They are like fresh wine; they get better with time. These set of people radiate positivity and are healthy company to keep. However, we’ve abandoned them due to some slight issues or challenges they are going through. We forget that our lives isn’t just for ourselves and that a friend in need is a friend indeed. A true friend is not self-seeking. Just as iron sharpens iron, friends sharpen the minds of each other. You are not a good influence to your circle of friends if you don’t leave positive impacts on them.

👖Clothes I felt emotionally attached to despite their terrible state.

Do you remember those clothes you were given as gift items by folks who are dear to you? Think about how much you cherished them. They may not be the best designer and all but you don’t give a hoot about that because you place more value on the thoughtfulness of the giver. Each time you wear them, they bring back good memories of those individuals. Unfortunately, no matter how much you cherish them, you can’t wear them forever, thanks to wear and tear. In fact, we may become worried if you keep wearing them when it’s obvious they are only fit for the trash bin.

The same analogy is applicable to some of the people we keep around: That ex with whom you had your first taste of relationship; that lady who went to hell and back for you when you were down; that senior colleague who sacrificed his time and convenience to bring you up to speed… Well thank God for them all. However, over time, you’ve observed that things are beginning to get out of hands between you, inordinate feelings are setting in, unnecessary drama rearing it’s ugly head… However, because of the history you share, you find it difficult to let go off them even though the relationship is becoming draining and toxic. Here is a piece of news for you: You not only lose what you cling desperately to but also lose yourself in the process.

👖Clothes that were excellent but I had abandoned.

Sometimes, in the process of ransacking my closet, I discover some clothes I haven’t worn in a long time. I’m even more surprised when I try them on and discover that they are fit to be worn for occasions. I ask myself: Why on earth did you put them away in the first place?

The situation is the same for some friendship/relationships we consciously or unconsciously let go of. I speak of kindred spirits, unconditional friends, folks who are beneficial and seek our good. Why do we shoot ourselves in the leg by drifting away from this lot? The sooner we find our way back into this blessed circle, the better the quality of life we’ll live.

👖Clothes that were obviously bad and needed to be discarded without delay.

Sometimes, I go out, buy myself an item of clothing and I’m excited about it; only to get home and discover it’s fake. At other times, Good ones get ripped to the point of disrepair. Funny enough, occasionally, I find myself retaining them.

Let’s call a spade a spade: what’s bad is bad. There is no vacuum in nature. Whatever/whoever doesn’t breathe positivity will eventually minister negativity to you. Appendages, counterfeits, fair-weather friends, leeches, non-committal and spiteful individuals are bad outfits for you. If you happen to have them around, bid them good riddance asap. Your life will be better for it.

LET’S WRAP IT UP!

Where I come from, we have an adage that says ‘people are the clothes with which we cover ourselves’. By extension, the kind of outfits we wear says a lot about us. In essence, we are what we wear. It’s no different from the kind of people we surround ourselves with: We are the kind of company we keep. Let’s take time to spring-clean that company so we get to know who is who in our lives.


Thanks for reading. Your feedbacks are well appreciated.


©ayansolaibukun

WORK💼

(Not a poem dear friends. Just some random thoughtful lines of mine)

dutchnews.nl

Why joke away the formative days?
It’s useless craving vanity at old age.

If hard work beckons, don’t shirk.
Smart work is poverty’s greatest threat.
There’s dignity in labour so do yourself the favour.

Even deity had his time in creation.
So why should your time be an exception?

Only fools make insurance policy of family wealth.
A man’s closest kin is his arm you get?
Shame on the slacker; he should learn from the ant rather.

The cutlass is sharp but he swings with a swag.
He tosses the blade when the grass won’t yield:
Only bad workmen blame their tools.

The only load the loafer carries is a bag fool of excuses.
But nothing instructs the loafer better than hunger.

Lack rarely visits on short notice;
it’s a testament to a lifestyle of tardy practice.
Today’s gain being yesterday’s pain.

Shoulder your own burden in season.
Why be another man’s burden for no reason?

The labourer is worthy of his hire.

The skillful worker his dollar.

What is it going to be for the idler?


Image Credit: Eurodns.com


©ayansolaibukun

🤦‍♂️WORRYless❌

I love good movies. I mean ones laden with sound morals.

One of such movies is the historical drama film called Bridge of Spies directed by the indefatigable Steven Spielberg. No doubt it’s not your regular blockbuster – fast and furious type, it’s laden with pretty instructive sentiments.

Since the idea behind this article is not to do a review of the movie, I won’t bore you with an elaborate account of it. (You can visit Bridge of Spies to see the full movie). Actually, my reference to the movie is concerning the role designation of one it’s major characters – Rudolf Abel (Mark Rylance).

I won’t assume you’ve seen the movie so I’ll just do a two-dollar character analysis of Abel. Abel is depicted as a stoic individual with an enigmatic yet intriguing personality. He is arrested by the US Secret Service for allegedly spying for the Soviet Union during the Cold War era. He is later convicted of the charge and sentenced to 30 years in prison. His lawyer James Donovan (Tom Hanks) however does his best possible to ensure the sentence is reversed for a possible future prisoner exchange.

SO?

Now, this is what I find intriguing about the character of Abel: Throughout the period of litigation over his case, he never for a minute showed any sign of concern or apprehension about his predicament. I mean there was not a single moment when he is caught bathing in the pool of self-pity.

Here is a person who was arrested for alleged espionage; locked up in a maximum prison; put on trial and later sentenced to 3 decades in prison. One would have thought he was going to ‘rightfully’ give in to a state of dejection, misery and worry. It won’t be out of place if he languished. But no, Abel was almost unnervingly calm in the middle of the raging storm.

In fact, at some point in the narrative, it was as though his lawyer (Tom Hanks) was the one on trial. Rather than the convicted doing the worrying, his attorney helped shoulder that burden.

In one of their private interactions in Abel’s cell, Donovan observes the unusual calmness with which his client received a particularly bad news. With a baffled expression on his face, he asks him Do you ever worry? The unruffled Abel responds Would it help?. In another scene, Donovan breaks another frightful news to Abel. On a good day, Abel should show concern about what he just heard. However, when he failed to do so, Donovan takes another interesting look at him and commented You don’t seem alarmed. In his usual relaxed style, Abel responds with the same statement Would it help?

The convict’s perpetual expression

The attorney’s perpetual expression

How did it end for Abel?

Surprisingly enough, it ended well for him. After a series of back and forths between the US and the Soviets, a prisoner exchange was made. Abel was repatriated to Russia and was reunited with his wife and daughter.

************************************

Moral of the story?

Worrying won’t solve a thing.

If worries were remedies to life problems, I’ll simply create a space in my room where I’ll call “wallow-central” and spend the better part of life there. I’ll do nothing but worry away till my troubles are gone. But last time I checked, worrying never takes care of troubles. It only aggravates it and takes away one’s peace and sanity.

Every now and then, we are faced with life challenges that seem to try our faith and test our mettle. Sometimes, in our lives, things doesn’t seem to go in our direction, help doesn’t appear to come from where we hoped, our desires don’t get to be realised as at when due… In all of these contrary circumstances, we always have a choice to make: worry or take action. While it’s natural and normal to feel uneasy at the instance of a negative situation, it becomes counteractive to major in anxiety.

Just like Abel would often ask in response: would it help to worry or panic?

Think about it: Have you ever gotten anything (positive) done while you were busy at being apprehensive or anxious? Of course, there is a difference between (constructive/positive) thinking and worrying. While the former makes you ponder over things and helps you find solution to problems, the latter only makes you feel mentally agitated and distressed.

Each time we throw ourselves a pity-party whenever life happens, we shoot ourselves in the leg. The truth is if a problem can be solved, there is no use worrying about it. Alternatively, why worry about circumstances beyond your control?

What’s the WAY FORWARD…

~Take practical steps/actions: Finding solutions to some issues shouldn’t be rocket science. Overcoming some challenges simply require that a fellow turns inward, talk to the right set of people, ask questions, change/adjust his manner of doing things, do away with certain unhelpful habits, activities or associations… Otherwise, worrying becomes an alternative or a lazy excuse for lack of proactivity.

~God Still Cares: Not everything mountain can be surmounted by sheer strength. Some things are just beyond your control and need divine intervention. Good thing is God is always there to help whenever you call on Him. However, there is not enough room in your mind for both worry and faith. You must therefore decide which one gets to live there – Anonymous.

I’LL LEAVE YOU WITH THESE

1Pe 5:7 Turn all your anxiety over to God because he cares for you.

Php 4:6 Never worry about anything. But in every situation let God know what you need in prayers and requests while giving thanks.
Php 4:7 Then God’s peace, which goes beyond anything we can imagine, will guard your thoughts and emotions through Christ Jesus.

Worrying is boring. Try living!


©ayansolaibukun

RELATIOSHIPS AND APOLOGIES

Human relationships (be it familial, filial, congenial, romantic or professional) is an interesting albeit complex phenomenon. Inherent in them are contradictory aspects struggling for supremacy. Just as some parts struggle to keep the bond of a relationship, other parts ensure that they leave it fragmented. For instance, while traits like love, mutual understanding/respect, and empathy tend to foster cordial relationships, idiosyncrasies such as attitudinal problems, unwholesome behavioural patterns and a sense of distrust tend to breathe friction. In the words of Kienzle and Dare, each relationship nurtures a strength or weakness within an individual.

MISTAKES

One of those things that projects the imperfection in humans and hamper cordial relationships is mistakes. I’ll define a mistake as an incorrect, unwise act or decision due to bad judgement or a lack of information or care. There’s a saying among my people that says no matter how hard a man tries, whenever he walks, he can’t help his head from shaking now and then.

Imagine that the world is a big school and everyone in it are pupils. Mistakes then will be likened to backpacks – every pupil straps his own. We all make our share of them – some trivial and others grievous. The interesting is mistakes are often not premeditated. Instead, they are mostly products of bad judgements calls.

Human interactions have never been a perfect one; it demands that we step on one another’s toes now and then. After all, even the teeth and the tongue do have their occasional issues. Since we are not all wired the same way, we are bound to speak, act or behave in a manner that will displease the other.

FOR INSTANCE…

The father who has had a hectic day at work screams at his poor little girl who asks him a harmless question…the immediate boss at work reprimands his subordinate for a wrong he didn’t commit…the fiancée vents an anger caused by someone else on her fiancé…and the scenarios are endless. However, whatever the dynamic is, a wrong can always be overlooked/forgiven when the wrongdoer makes proper amend.

ATTACHED TO A PENCIL IS AN ERASER

Consider mistakes and redress from the point-of-view of the makers of the typical pencil. Consider the foresight they exhibited in making them. They knew that, in the course of using it for creative purposes, errors/mistakes are bound to occur. Hence, they fit an eraser right on top of it to clean them off. Such forward-thinking perspective concerning mundane things can also come to bear on the art of relationship, especially when it comes to tackling wrongs done to a person.

Except in extreme cases, we have the capacity to re-write any wrong/mistake. Interestingly, no antidote to wrongs does a better job than admittance to wrongdoing and a sincere apology.

THE WEIGHT OF AN APOLOGY

A wise man once said “it takes a big man to admit when he is wrong and even a bigger man to admit that another is right”. An apology is a statement expressing remorse for an action. To apologise is to acknowledge a wrongdoing or to take responsibility for a wrong done to another.

Really?

Rendering an apology is a face-saving act. The truth is in every ideal individual is a sense of self-esteem or dignity that he tries to protect. When he is wronged, there is a threat to that sense which makes him feel hurt. However, such threat is mitigated when genuine apologetic statements are offered. However, more importantly, a genuine apology is backed with the preparedness to do what is right going forward. While some interesting folk will view apologies as a sign of weakness, every right-thinking individual understandsits potency.

To apologise is to say sorry, i.e. express regret for an action that has upset another. Most times, an apology goes with the utterance of three simple yet powerful words “I am sorry”. Many relationships have been salvaged because the offending party apologised as at when due and in the right way while others have been severed because particular parties involved found it difficult to apologies. Some even made matters worse because of the manner in which they apologised.

APOLOGY MEANS RESPONSIBILITY

When a fellow apologises, he is taking responsibility for a fault and expressing his regrets. It’s therefore counteractive when certain speech and attitudinal factors betray the genuineness of the apology rendered. For instance, what’s the good in an apology rendered with an irritating/angry tone or with voice raised? J.A. Holmes is right when he opines that 90% of the friction of daily life is caused by the wrong tone of voice.

What’s more, apology and amends are like Siamese twins; they go hand in hand. There is no point apologising for an action one will keep repeating. A sincere apology will imply shying away from whatever upsets another. For example, if I apologise to you after saying something rude to you, my apologies should also imply that I won’t say such rude words to you in the future. It’s then that my apology will make sense and bring about the required change.

YOU WANT IT TO BLOSSOM? NURTURE IT!

Human relationships can be likened to a tender flower. If you don’t want it to wither, you have to nurture it. Since mutual affection is a basis for its survival, one has to ensure that it sustained. Consequently, the ability to sustain it is hinged on having the right set of attitudes. One of those attitudes is the ability to render a sincere apology as at when due and ensure that the mistake for which one apologises doesn’t keep repeating itself.


Image Credits:

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Blackwing


©ayansolaibukun

https://ayansola.wordpress.com

THE SEEMINGLY LITTLE THINGS

Sullivan felt disappointed at what his old man left him for an inheritance. Not that he expected to get the bull share of what he left behind. But then, he never anticipated the ill-luck- of- a benefaction his late father bequeathed to him. His father Truman had passed away a couple of months ago, having lived till the ripe age of 80. He died a wealthy man with a good number of holdings, businesses and property to his name.

But of all there was to give away, the only thing that came to him was a document for a parcel of land with a note attached to it. All the note said was ‘value this inheritance; there is more to it than you think’. And to add salt to injury, he got to know that the land was located in the hinterland.

He mused over what he was supposed to do with a parcel of land in the middle of nowhere. It wouldn’t even fetch a good price to start a small business if he decided to sell it off. Just to think that Billy the family’s black sheep had cut a better deal while he got next to nothing for his meritorious service to Truman. For all he cared, his late father never meant well for him.

Not long after the will had been read, he visited the community where the land was located. Seeing that he’ll never have a need for it, he decided to transfer its ownership to Ryan, an old acquaintance of his who lived there. He’ll rather give it out for free than sell it – good riddance to bad rubbish.

It was a fortunate Ryan to whom Sullivan bequeathed the property. He had been desirous of acquiring a piece of land where he could farm and sink a well in order to water the crops. He set to work immediately and engaged the services of a couple of labourers who began to dig.

They hadn’t dug for too long when one of the labourers called Ryan’s attention to a curious find: It was a sprinkling of metallic elements of a deep, rich yellow colour. I think you just struck gold Mr Ryan, one of the labourers informed him.

************************************

Nothing is too small; nothing is too big. It’s all about perception.

Most times, it’s the seemingly little/intangible things of life that matter the most.

I woke up this morning, hale and hearty and with a roof under my head and loved ones around me. I have good clothes to wear and can afford a three-square meal. I’m healthy enough to step out and work. I can put a smile on people’s faces by the little acts of service I render… I’ve got a lot to be grateful for!

It’s a flaw in human nature that we don’t get to value those seemingly little things of life until we lose them. Most times, we only find pleasure/happiness in the supposedly spectacular things. Things like the purchase of an expensive piece of property, a mouth-watering contract, a new highly-paying job, etc. We seem to forget that the presence of those little things is what makes it possible to hope for the big things in the first place.

5 blessings we rarely take into account:

🙏The fact that we are alive: only the living can long for anything

🙏The good health we enjoy: it’s the best wealth we can ever have.

🙏The gift of true friends and loved ones: they keep us going when the going gets tough

🙏Sound mind: It’s why we can dream and long for ‘better things’ in the first place

🙏Life challenges: they bring the best out of us

In placing priority on the things we desire, we are oblivious of the manifolds of goodness concealed within the so-called insignificant things that we have.

When we fail to appreciate the little things God has given us, we set ourselves up for a life of regrets, worry, dejection and misery. For every single thing we long for, there are dozens more to be grateful for.

Dream, desire and pursue better living conditions. Strive to achieve life goals and aspirations. Want more than ‘just a little’. However, never allow your longings and pursuits make you lose focus of the good things you already enjoy. On your way to ‘more’, celebrate/enjoy what you have.

Be thankful for the little things, for they are most important. Little is much when God is involved.

When was the last time you were thankful for the little things?

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Thanks for reading and commenting!

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©ayansolaibukun